Thursday, October 1, 2009

Am I Haunted?

Vintage Halloween Trade Card "Ghost Story...Image by riptheskull via Flickr

I just checked the NaBloPoMo website to see the blogging theme for October: haunted. I laughed and thought, "Of course that is the theme; it's October, Halloween month." Then I asked myself, "Am I haunted?" and was disturbed when I heard my answer: yes.

I'm not talking about ghosts and goblins; at least I don't think I am. I sorta believe in ghosts; I think my Grandma Devine tried to visit me the night after her funeral, which really freaked me out. I told her (and anyone who happened to overhear me) that I didn't want to see her again until it was my time to follow her. Weird, I know, but as much as I really missed her I didn't want her hanging around and scaring me all the time. I hope that was an O.K. thing to say; being 16 at the time and reeling from the first significant death in my life I know I was ill-prepared for a visit from beyond the grave.

I must believe in ghosts, because after my mother's death, I slept with a sleep mask over my eyes for at least a year afterward. I really wanted to avoid a visit from my mother. Despite my encouragement to discuss the subject, I do not believe that my mother ever accepted the fact that she was dying. But she died anyway, even if she could not discuss or accept it, right in front of me, my husband, my two sisters, my brother-in-law and my Dad. It was quite a last performance, which served to deepened my resolve to avoid a visit from her angry ghost.

My issues with death and dying aside, I admit that I am haunted by certain aspects of my past. Like everyone else on the planet, I wish I could change how I felt about some things and let them go. Other things I thought I had left behind sometimes roar back to life when I least expect it. I know I wrote a post not too long ago about letting go of my survivor's guilt about my cancer experience. It seems writing that post got me in touch with some of my other issues that need the same attention.

I'm not sure I'm going to write every day about the theme of haunted, but then again, I said that with other monthly blogging themes and wound up with a month's worth of posts on tomorrow, routine and heroes. I guess on of my blogging motti* should be "Never say never."

* = plural of motto
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