All the Things That Haunt Me

In brainstorming ideas for the NaBloPoMo October blogging theme of  haunted I came up with a list of things that truly do haunt me.  Before I get to the list, let me begin by defining what I mean when I say I am haunted.  The word haunt has many meanings, but the two definitions I am focused on in this post are:  

• being excessively and compulsively concerned about something.  
• showing emotional affliction or disquiet.  

I would not go as far as to suggest that the following items are ones I wring my hands over or ones that drowned me in emotional turmoil.  I do admit they are things I spent time thinking about with tinges of wonderment, worry, disquietude and consideration.  As I review this list, I know there are things on it that I can do something about and be proactive.  Others I just need to accept.  Some I need to learn lessons from and resolve myself not to repeat these thoughts and actions.  A few are just threads in the fabric of this mysterious and wonderful life, part of the human experience.


So without further ado, my list of things I am haunted by:

• I am haunted by my many illnesses.
• I am haunted by my lack of a normal functioning family, lovingly described as the "Family Curse" by my Aunt Sandy.
• I am haunted by "what if's?"
• I am haunted by the idea of past lives and reincarnation.
  
• I am haunted by my mistakes; not the little, everyday ones but the big, I'm-red-in-the-face, I-can't-believe-I-did-that ones.
• I am haunted by Death.  By then, aren't we all...
• I am haunted by the illusion of time.  It feels like we all have less then we want and yet we find ways to waste it more than we should!
• I am haunted the hopes, dreams and plans I had when I was younger that have gotten left out and left behind as I have gotten older.
• I am haunted by a critical inner voice.
• I am haunted by perfectionism.
• I am haunted by my choice to focus five years on taking care of my ill and dying parents instead of pursuing my desire to start a family of my own.
• I am haunted by the wreckage of the past, both my personal past and the collective human past.
• I am haunted by health concerns as I get older.  For example: Will I get Alzheimer's Disease like my father or colon cancer like my mother?  Will I have a heart attack or stroke like my grandparents?
• I am haunted by the desire to live up to this poem:

SUCCESS

by Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty,
To find the best in others,
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

So what are some of the thing that haunt you?  Leave me a comment and let me know.