All the Things That Haunt Me

In brainstorming ideas for the NaBloPoMo October blogging theme of  haunted I came up with a list of things that truly do haunt me.  Before I get to the list, let me begin by defining what I mean when I say I am haunted.  The word haunt has many meanings, but the two definitions I am focused on in this post are:  

• being excessively and compulsively concerned about something.  
• showing emotional affliction or disquiet.  

I would not go as far as to suggest that the following items are ones I wring my hands over or ones that drowned me in emotional turmoil.  I do admit they are things I spent time thinking about with tinges of wonderment, worry, disquietude and consideration.  As I review this list, I know there are things on it that I can do something about and be proactive.  Others I just need to accept.  Some I need to learn lessons from and resolve myself not to repeat these thoughts and actions.  A few are just threads in the fabric of this mysterious and wonderful life, part of the human experience.


So without further ado, my list of things I am haunted by:

• I am haunted by my many illnesses.
• I am haunted by my lack of a normal functioning family, lovingly described as the "Family Curse" by my Aunt Sandy.
• I am haunted by "what if's?"
• I am haunted by the idea of past lives and reincarnation.
  
• I am haunted by my mistakes; not the little, everyday ones but the big, I'm-red-in-the-face, I-can't-believe-I-did-that ones.
• I am haunted by Death.  By then, aren't we all...
• I am haunted by the illusion of time.  It feels like we all have less then we want and yet we find ways to waste it more than we should!
• I am haunted the hopes, dreams and plans I had when I was younger that have gotten left out and left behind as I have gotten older.
• I am haunted by a critical inner voice.
• I am haunted by perfectionism.
• I am haunted by my choice to focus five years on taking care of my ill and dying parents instead of pursuing my desire to start a family of my own.
• I am haunted by the wreckage of the past, both my personal past and the collective human past.
• I am haunted by health concerns as I get older.  For example: Will I get Alzheimer's Disease like my father or colon cancer like my mother?  Will I have a heart attack or stroke like my grandparents?
• I am haunted by the desire to live up to this poem:

SUCCESS

by Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty,
To find the best in others,
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

So what are some of the thing that haunt you?  Leave me a comment and let me know.

Haunted? Let Me Set the Mood...

Cover of Haunted

After I wrote yesterday's post, I sat and brainstormed what I would write if I blogged on the theme of haunted. In about 15 minutes, I listed about ten different topics that could easily fit the theme. It looks like another month where the NaBloPoMo blogging theme is a weird and wonderful fit with where I am today. Which begs the question: is there really such a thing as coincidence after all?

Before I start writing those posts, I felt inspired today to take a closer look at the definition of the word haunted. I also Googled "haunted" and it let me to this really beautiful song by Poe of the same title. I've added the lyrics and a widget to this post so you can read the poetry and listen to the song for yourself.

I think you'll agree that in doing my background search for information, I've gathered the elements to set the mood for a very haunted October 2009.

haunt

Verb

• follow stealthily or recur constantly and spontaneously to: "the ghost of her mother haunted her"
• haunt like a ghost; pursue: "Fear of illness haunts her"
• be a regular or frequent visitor to a certain place: "She haunts the ballet"

Adjective

• having or showing excessive or compulsive concern with something: "became more and more haunted by the stupid riddle"
• showing emotional affliction or disquiet: "her expression became progressively more haunted"
• inhabited by or as if by apparitions: "a haunted house"

HAUNTED

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...
Come here
Pretty please
Can you tell me where I am
You won't you say something
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lies that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...

Don't cry,
There's always a way
Here in November in this house of leaves
We'll pray
Please, I know it's hard to believe
To see a perfect forest
Through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing

And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the lies that wove the web
Inside my haunted head

Hallways... always

I'll always want you
I'll always need you
I'll always love you

And I will always miss you

Ba da pa pa ba da pa pa...

Come here
No I won't say please
One more look at the ghost
Before I'm gonna make it leave
Come here
I've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears

I'm haunted
(By the lives that I have loved)
I'm haunted
(By the promises I've made)
I'm haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echos there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune

Ba da pa pa...

Father :
What is it Annie?

Daughter :
You think I'll cry? I won't cry!
My heart will break before I cry!
I will go mad.

Haunted - Poe

Am I Haunted?

Image by riptheskull via Flickr

I just checked the NaBloPoMo website to see the blogging theme for October: haunted. I laughed and thought, "Of course that is the theme; it's October, Halloween month." Then I asked myself, "Am I haunted?" and was disturbed when I heard my answer: yes.

I'm not talking about ghosts and goblins; at least I don't think I am. I sorta believe in ghosts; I think my Grandma Devine tried to visit me the night after her funeral, which really freaked me out. I told her (and anyone who happened to overhear me) that I didn't want to see her again until it was my time to follow her. Weird, I know, but as much as I really missed her I didn't want her hanging around and scaring me all the time. I hope that was an O.K. thing to say; being 16 at the time and reeling from the first significant death in my life I know I was ill-prepared for a visit from beyond the grave.

I must believe in ghosts, because after my mother's death, I slept with a sleep mask over my eyes for at least a year afterward. I really wanted to avoid a visit from my mother. Despite my encouragement to discuss the subject, I do not believe that my mother ever accepted the fact that she was dying. But she died anyway, even if she could not discuss or accept it, right in front of me, my husband, my two sisters, my brother-in-law and my Dad. It was quite a last performance, which served to deepened my resolve to avoid a visit from her angry ghost.

My issues with death and dying aside, I admit that I am haunted by certain aspects of my past. Like everyone else on the planet, I wish I could change how I felt about some things and let them go. Other things I thought I had left behind sometimes roar back to life when I least expect it. I know I wrote a post not too long ago about letting go of my survivor's guilt about my cancer experience. It seems writing that post got me in touch with some of my other issues that need the same attention.

I'm not sure I'm going to write every day about the theme of haunted, but then again, I said that with other monthly blogging themes and wound up with a month's worth of posts on tomorrow, routine and heroes. I guess on of my blogging motti* should be "Never say never."

* = plural of motto

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