Thursday, April 5, 2012

The Emotional is Just a Tiring as the Physical

I know it is Thursday.  But the truth is I am still recovering from last Thursday.  Finding out my aunt passed away, after getting a blood transfusion earlier in the week, on top of coping with a painful new sore in my right nostril and dealing with the ongoing side effects from my Hepatitis C treatment, quickly wiped me out.

I hate when that happens...

I also hate how I continue to underestimate just how draining dealing with the emotional can be.

Dealing with the death of my aunt was a huge emotional upset to process.  And as loss often does, this recent one brought up feelings from previous losses and got me thinking a lot about my family too.

It's ironic that the whole blood transfusion ordeal earlier in the week had already gotten me thinking about my deceased dad and how his blood transfusions had literally saved my life during my cancer treatment 24 years ago.  Now I was losing the person who, in the years since his death, had become an important living link to his memory and legacy for me.

Besides the thoughts of my deceased dad, I also thought about my siblings, of which I have three.  My living family is not as easy topic for me: you see, my own siblings choose not speak to me.  I know that at the core, it is a legacy they inherited from our abusive mother.  What I cannot understand is why they choose to perpetuate it, when all I want to do is heal and move beyond it.

All these heavy duty emotional issues aren't exactly what I want to be feeling as I continue to struggle with the hard part of Hepatitis C treatment.  Ah, but life can be cruel like that.  You can't always control when life delivers your next shipment of lemons...

As for my aunt's story, in the days before I began my Hep C treatment, she was hospitalized for a serious infection that required emergency surgery.  I got to speak with her afterwards, at which time it looked like she had turned the corner and would be alright.  She would need to go to a rehabilitation center for three months for wound care, but everyone was optimistic she would make a full recovery.

So when my cousin called me a week ago today to tell me her mother died, well we both just cried together between the spoken moments of shock, sadness and why.  When we finally hung up the phone, I couldn't help but keep crying, grieving my missed opportunity to speak with her one last time.  You see, just the day before, my cousin had emailed me, telling me she was doing OK and giving me the number for the rehab facility so I could call and check in on her.  Needless to say, I never got a chance to do that.

I know that when I do too much activity, I risk getting flared-up.  What I constantly underestimate is how draining emotions can be on my energy too, especially when they hit all at once like they did last week.

Now I guess I could have put off dealing with my feelings.  Except that experience has taught me when I ignore or suppress my emotions I make things worse, not better.  No, despite how draining it was to deal with them in the moment, it was better to feel my feelings so they could work themselves out and then dissipate.

Given my limited energy right now, it is no wonder I am feeling both physically and emotionally drained!

So as I slowly journey back to my more usual state of mind, I am going to be extra gentle with myself and give myself more rest to help my recovery from these recent emotional upsets.

And as for those pesky unresolved issues that were dredged up last week, I choose to ponder those further when I am in a better physical place to handle that kind of energy drain.

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1 comment

Migrainista said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Emotional stress certainly can be very draining. Big hugs for you and hopes that tomorrow will be better.