I picked up my Hepatitis C medications from the pharmacy Wednesday night. When I got home, I inspected them, read the drug monographs enclosed with them and found a place to store them for the next seven days while I wait to begin treatment.
As I put them away, it felt weird to finally have my medications "in hand" and not be starting treatment right away. All that struggle to get them and for now two sit in my hall closet and one in my refrigerator.
It just doesn't seem quite right...
It was then I realized that this was a watershed moment. I was in the space between talking about doing Hepatitis C treatment and actually doing it. It was then that the emotions flooded in:
|anger||I already had cancer...did I really need Hepatitis C too?!?|
|annoyance||I have my medications but I have to wait a week to start taking them? Aargh! I just want get going before I change my mind and chicken out!|
|anxiety||What have I gotten myself into? Am I in over my head?|
|concern||I know this will be hard for me, but how hard will this be for my husband who has a front row seat to this craziness?|
|courage & |
|I can do hard things! I can beat Hepatitis C! I am going to Fight Like a Girl and win!|
|fear||Will this work? How bad will it be? Do I have what it takes to endure this?|
|gratitude||Thank goodness I have insurance that covers this treatment and a supportive husband and friends who will help me get through it.|
|hope||If I can do this and if the treatment works, this might improve my overall health status for the better. And that would be all kinds of AWESOME!|
|resolve||I am doing this. I am going to stick it out no matter what. I will succeed.|
|overwhelm||Two pills every 8 hours and three pills every 12 hours that must be taken on-time or the treatment might not work. Can I be this perfect?|
|worry||Side effects--which ones will I get? can my medical team handle them? will they derail my treatment? how will my level of functioning be impacted?|
There is a lot going on inside my head and my heart right now.
So my plan is to feel these feelings and trust in the knowledge that, if I don't resist, they will sort themselves out during this final week of waiting. Plus if I feel overwhelmed, I can distract myself. There are still plenty of things I want to do before I begin treatment.
Ultimately, the act of starting treatment will silence the doubtful emotions and allow me to take the leap of faith required to plunge myself into this treatment.
In the meantime, on Thursday I purchased a mega pill organizer able to accommodate the blister pacts of Incivek and filled it with the first week of my medications. Then I broke out the label maker and labeled the box with my daily medication schedule: 6 am, 2 PM, 10PM and midnight. I also marked Friday as my Pegasys injection day.
While I worked, I observed that my pills are pretty shades pink (ribavirin) and purple (Incivek.) Then a funny thing happened. I began to feel grateful for these new "girl power" pills that are going to help my body do quite an extraordinary thing--beat Hep C!
I can't wait to get started...